Preemptive Strike on March 17!

What If?

It is turning out to be April Fools’ Month in March!

Lynne Gilbert//Getty Images

We’ve all heard the drumbeats from south of the border singing different tunes. As of 5 minutes back, the U.S. administration plans to roll out tariffs on Canada on April 2, that reminds Canada that even the friendliest of neighbors sometimes act like that one relative who keeps “borrowing” your tools and then slapping a rental fee on them when you ask for them back.

But instead of waiting for April 2—reacting like a polite Canadian deer in the headlights—what if Canada took a different approach? What if, on March 17, we launched our own strategic counter-move? A preemptive economic strike, delivered with a grin, a pint of green beer, and the precision of a well-placed hockey puck?

Why March 17?

Because why wait? March 17 is St. Patrick’s Day—a day of boldness, fortune, and a touch of mischief. Plus, it gives us a two-week head start to redefine the economic game before Washington even wakes up from its tariff-induced slumber.

Preemptive Action on March 17, Just a Little Mischief

1. Pirate Export Tax on Energy (Hydro & Oil Alike)

Let’s introduce a “preferred customer” pricing model for energy exports. If you’re a friendly trading partner, great—enjoy your regular rates. But if you want to slap tariffs on Canadian goods, well… let’s just say hydro power and oil might suddenly develop “peak demand pricing” for select jurisdictions (say Minnesota, Michigan and Texas).

As a test run, let’s conduct six hours of “regular maintenance” on Ontario’s energy exports to New York, just to remind them how much they love our power grid. It’s not a blackout—it’s a demonstration of what “supply chain disruptions” can feel like.

2. Bring Canadian Capital Back Home—With Perks

Instead of waiting for Canadian businesses to be blindsided by new U.S. tariffs, why not offer them a first-class ticket home? Tax incentives, R&D grants, and a “Welcome Home” corporate rate could entice Canadian companies currently operating in the U.S. to relocate or expand back into their homeland.

Call it the “Hoser Tax Break”—come back north, enjoy lower taxes, and get a free Tim Hortons gift card (okay, maybe not the last part, but you get the idea).

3. Poach American Investment—Right From Under Their Noses

What if Canada rolled out an aggressive investment program targeting sectors in red states that rely on global trade? Imagine offering manufacturers, clean-tech firms, and high-growth industries a smoother regulatory path, better tax conditions, and access to a workforce that actually wants to be there.

We’ll market Canada as the alternative to uncertainty. “Why fight Washington’s policy swings when you can just shift your operations to a stable, growing market with a friendly business climate? We have healthcare, too. Just saying.”

4. Investor Visas for American Innovators & Startups

Instead of U.S. entrepreneurs having to navigate the ever-shifting visa chaos south of the border, Canada could roll out a special startup investment visa. If you have a groundbreaking idea, Canada welcomes you with open arms, lower corporate tax rates, and access to global markets. If They wish to expand their services office in Canada to serve Canadian Market, here is your platinum opportunity!

“Come to Canada: We are a more reliable market (with free healthcare benefits)! ”

5. Strategic Maple Diplomacy

Since the U.S. is so keen on tariffs, how about we preemptively make it harder for them to get their hands on some of Canada’s most beloved exports? A well-timed slowdown in maple syrup shipments to Vermont? A temporary “quality control” hold on premium Canadian whiskey exports? Or, tie that shipment to them also buying Canadian Cannabis - all legal, great Canadian quality, very green.

Nothing hostile—just enough to make them appreciate the benefits of unimpeded trade.

The Element of Surprise

The best part about a preemptive economic strike? Tell them, we are not as efficient as they are, we don’t work on weekends, we take a decision and start implementing, not change every 2 hours. That’s too much work! Instead of waiting for for April 2, we just say, we just might do all that now and not be fooled, again. Suddenly, U.S. policymakers have to deal with questions they didn’t expect:

• “Wait… Is Canada poaching our investors?”

• “Why is Ontario’s energy grid temporarily offline?”

• “Who authorized tax breaks for Canadian companies moving back north?”

• “Is maple syrup a strategic resource now?”

Why Not?

Canada doesn’t have to sit back and wait for April 2 to be dictated to. A proactive, humor-infused approach on St Paddy’s Day could be good fun, and send them to work instead of us, for a change . And if we do it with the right mix of policy precision and good-natured mischief, it might even leave Washington wondering if they should have seen it coming, or even better, what is coming next?

Besides, it’s St. Patrick’s Day. If there’s ever a time for bold moves, this is it. Let’s show them a little Irish in us. 😏

What if?